MacRumors today claimed to have the text of the entire 9/12 Apple keynote (a ha ha in itself) but their “One More Thing” moment had me
11:35: The screen darkens, and then we’re back with Jeff Williams. He’s talking about Lightning, which he calls “the strongest and bravest and fastest and most secure proprietary connection standard in the world.” (We call it the little iPhone port that could.)
11:36: Sometimes, Williams says, you need to show courage. “The same courage as the noble stag being chased by cowardly bureaucrats trying to impose short-sighted regulations.”
11:37: Which is why, he says, we’re proud to announce a brand-new standard. It’s called “Apple Port.”
11:39: Apple Port is as fast and secure as USB-C, and has been carefully designed to be compatible with all USB-C products made by the “lesser and weaker companies sniffing around our revenue streams.”
11:40: Apple went so far as to make Apple Port look exactly the same as USB-C so that users won’t be confused.
11:41: But Apple Port adds a feature that USB-C does not offer: Apple Speed Control. Hmmm, what’s that?
11:42 Apple Speed Control ensures that genuine products sold by Apple itself or a registered reseller are running at optimal efficiency. “Your charging and data transfers will be as swift as a salmon,” Williams says. “Unless you are using a non-genuine product made by another company, in which case we will de-optimize its operations at no extra cost or inconvenience to you.”
11:44: All of this year’s iPhones and AirPods will feature Apple Port, and the company will be working to adapt all of its other products to the same standard.
11:47: And now we really are wrapping up. We hope you enjoyed the presentation.